Mother’s Day is a time to celebrate the family matriarch in our lives. For some, that means giving your undivided attention to the one who picked you up from kindergarten and dropped you off at college. For others, it means diplomatically sharing that time with many well-deserving mothers. And yet for others, it may conjure memories of a mother or child no longer here.
Sylvia Mikucki-Enyart, associate professor of communication studies at the University of Iowa, shares advice to help everyone walking past the Hallmark aisle navigate what can be a beautiful but emotional day.
Q: Mother’s Day can look a little different depending on whether you’re a mother, mother-in-law, stepmother, or grandmother. What kinds of emotions or dynamics surface on this holiday?
A: Mother’s Day can be a mixed bag of emotions and produce some tense dynamics. One big question on a lot of people’s minds is, “Who gets to be celebrated?” There is only one official day, but many people have multiple moms to celebrate. Is it the moms in the trenches with toddlers and teens? The moms who have launched the kids and entered their grandma era? Or the stepmoms or other mother-like figures in our lives? Everyone wants to be celebrated, and it is understandable that they may feel jealous when someone else gets the spotlight. But it’s also important to have perspective and flexibility.
Moms of adult children may need to “pass the baton” to the ones actively parenting. Although mothering never ends, the work of a mom with young children is different than a mom who has launched her children. Moms of adult children who have kids of their own should support and encourage their adult children to celebrate on Mother’s Day and, importantly, not make them feel guilty for not focusing on her.
Q: How can I be expected to celebrate all the mothers in my life on a single day?
A: It’s important to note that just because Mother’s Day is one day, it doesn’t mean you have to celebrate everyone that day. Perhaps an adult child takes their own mom out for dinner a weekend early. Or maybe all the partners and children in the family host a brunch for all the moms in their lives (e.g., moms, wives, grandmothers, aunts), but only if this is what the moms want, and they don’t have to do anything but show up.
Q: For adult children who live far from home, what types of communication — beyond the usual card or text — are most meaningful or connective?
A: In the age of texting, many moms appreciate a chance to talk with their child (and potential grandchildren) over the phone or FaceTime. You cannot put a price on hearing your child’s voice or seeing their familiar face, no matter how old they are. So, take the time to call your mom! It’s also a good idea to select a time in advance, especially if you don’t talk on the phone frequently, to ensure you don’t have to rush through a call or play phone tag.
Although cards may seem cliché and like an easy out, a card with a meaningful personal message never goes out of style. Being a mother is often a thankless job, so let your mom know how much you appreciate her and all she has done and continues to do. Don’t just write the generic “thanks for all you do.” Share something specific, a memory of a time she made you feel loved or supported, or a recollection of a tradition she started that you carry with you and now share with your children (or plan to).
Moms often place other peoples’ needs before their own, so anything you can do to show your mom that you have been listening to her and care about her not just as a mom but as a person, would be meaningful.
Q: For families who are blending households or navigating stepfamily relationships, what are some common communication challenges or unexpected opportunities that might come up on Mother’s Day?
A: A challenge that comes to mind is children “feeling caught” between their biological mothers and stepmothers. Some children may feel like they need to do something for their stepmoms even if they don’t have a close connection with them, while others may want to celebrate their stepmom but worry about hurting their biological mom’s feelings.
It’s important that both moms support celebrating the other and letting children know that it is OK.
An opportunity Mother’s Day can present is having a setting to tell your stepmother, or your child’s stepmother, how much they mean to you or your child. Being a stepmother is a very difficult role, so letting her know they are valued could be very special.
Q: Is there one simple approach that can help someone show appreciation to their mother, even if they’re not used to having heartfelt conversations?
A: There is no one-size-fits-all approach to showing appreciation to your mom. Moms are not monolithic, so you’ll need to tap into your knowledge about your mom, not just as a mother but as a person. What does she like? How does she typically communicate? How does she let you know she loves and appreciates you?
If your mom doesn’t like having emotional conversations, perhaps a nice note with specific memories or things she does that make you feel loved would be more appropriate.
Remember, there is no mandate that you must make a mushy social media post about your mom on Mother’s Day. It’s also OK to not have a close emotional bond with your mom, despite societal pressure. But you can also communicate your care without it feeling fake. A card or text is perfectly acceptable for a relationship that is more hands-off. You don’t have to force a Mother’s Day extravaganza just to “fit in” if that is not the reality of your relationship.
Q: What advice do you have for those who don’t particularly enjoy the social pressure of celebrating Mother’s Day?
A: For some, Mother’s Day can be a difficult day. It may be a reminder of a mother or grandmother who is no longer alive or a reminder of a fraught or estranged relationship. It might be a time when they are, once again, left to plan and coordinate a day for someone else instead of being recognized and celebrated. Additionally, many yearn to be mothers but cannot, and Mother’s Day puts a spotlight on that.
These reactions are valid, and it’s important to be gentle with yourself but also have a plan. Not being prepared for the day can make it more difficult to navigate. On the day, make a plan to celebrate yourself. That could mean going for a walk alone or with a friend, doing something in memory of mom, or planning an activity to distract you until the day is over.
As the day approaches, acknowledge how it makes you feel. Sometimes writing down your feelings can be a helpful way to process your emotions. Just remember that having difficult or conflicting emotions about this day is entirely normal.