It takes time, costs money, and can add a mental load during an already busy season, so why do we go through the annual routine of sending holiday greeting cards?
Rachel McLaren, associate professor of communication studies at the University of Iowa, explains that despite today’s era of online digital communication, the tradition of sending paper holiday greetings is a gesture toward building, maintaining, or reshaping personal relationships with friends and family. But if that is all you’re doing to maintain your relationships, you might want to consider other ways of communicating that will result in stronger connections.
Q: Do holiday greeting cards really help people to stay in touch?
A: People send holiday greeting cards to maintain relationships with others, but some research shows that receiving a holiday card doesn’t affect our relational closeness very much. Sure, you could learn about your friend’s new job, your cousin’s new home, or your college roommate’s vacation to Greece, but maintaining relationships is about more than just information exchange. Holiday greeting cards can be a symbolic gesture that someone is thinking of you enough to put in the effort required to send you a physical card. They can also be perceived as an extension of the performative picture-perfect displays of family we see on social media. But only when the greeting card becomes a prompt to reconnect with a person does it really help you stay in touch. If the cards are functioning merely as an exchange of information, your relationship probably won’t change.
Q: If cards don’t really help people to stay in touch, why do people send them?
A: There are many reasons people send holiday greeting cards. Celebrating holidays and sending well wishes is an important component of our relational lives. There is also a norm of reciprocity, so many people feel that they should send a card because they received a card in the past. Others enjoy the creative process of putting together a family photo shoot, a recap of the year, or writing the family newsletter. Mailing a family holiday card allows you to share your family identity with others and create a memorable record of your family’s history. Some families may send heartfelt updates with professional photos. Others might send irreverent jokes or family stories to make people laugh. The creative process of putting these together serves an important function in solidifying the identity and values of the family.
Q: I sometimes feel sad or angry when I see all the pictures of happy families, given loss that has happened in my life this past year. Does that make me a Grinch?
A: If it has been a rough year for you, receiving cards with smiling families might be triggering. The holidays are filled with grief for many of us, even alongside the moments of joy. If you’re feeling that way, it could be a cue that you need some support right now. Is there someone you can talk to and share your feelings or grief at this time of year?
Q: In what ways can a holiday card help people repair a relationship or reconnect with others?
A: A holiday can be a great time to consider reconnecting with someone. Perhaps there was a big rift in the relationship and you’ve decided you are ready to reconcile. Sending a card can be a low-pressure way of reaching out and expressing a desire to talk. Sometimes, a card is just the peace offering needed to clear the way for a deeper conversation.
Q: Should I be keeping score of who sends me a card and who doesn’t? Sometimes I feel annoyed that I put so much effort into sending cards and I don’t get many in return.
A: When people start to feel resentful of their list and start keeping score, that’s a clue to me that perhaps that person is feeling unappreciated or perhaps they don’t really want to send holiday cards anymore. We tend to participate in some rituals and traditions without a lot of thought as to why. If you are feeling annoyed at people who aren’t reciprocating, perhaps that’s a sign to reflect more deeply on those relationships.
Q: What kind of holiday cards tend to resonate with the recipient?
A: Research shows a short, handwritten note (even around 25 words) can increase the impact of a holiday greeting card. It does take more effort on your part, but you might consider picking a few people that you want to deepen your connection with (or reconnect with) in the next year and write a short message to them. Expressing our affection and appreciation for people is an important key to keeping relationships alive.
Also, when you receive cards, notice if you feel a pull to reach out to certain people. Use the card as a prompt for reaching out. You might text them and thank them for sending the card and invite them to meet up for coffee or to chat on the phone.
We’re in the midst of a loneliness epidemic, so especially around this time of year, anything you can do to take steps toward meaningful connections with others will likely be met with appreciation. Of course, sending a card once a year isn’t enough to maintain relationships (and please don’t feel guilty if you don’t send them), but it can be a meaningful tradition.
When you’re putting your list together, take stock of each of the people in your life. Are there people you want to express appreciation and love toward? Is there someone you have lost track of and want to try to see again? Are some relationships fading away but you’re not ready to let go? Asking yourself these questions can help you understand the relationships in your life and consider making changes. Relationships are what give our life meaning and contribute to our happiness, so here’s to 2026 being the year of investing in the people we treasure most!